Reflection on Week Two-ish

We have all known the long loneliness, and we have found that the answer is community.

Dorothy Day

If you’re in a committed relationship, you may not have noticed the point when many of your I’s turned to we’s and our’s replaced your my’s. With time, things begin to get shared by partners – our T.V., our house, our dog. People begin to get shared too.

During my first week at Nada I began to notice a surefire clue into the authenticity of this community. It was a habit- an unintentional habit, I suspect- that assured me this was not simply a gathering of individuals posing as a unit. This clue, this habit, was a two-word phrase- our friends. “Our friends made this for us.” “Our friends own the shop downtown.” Or on occasion, “A friend of ours sent this to us.” “We have a friend in Denver who…”  

I’m not sure why that phrase first struck me, and why I continue to notice it. Maybe I’m used to hearing it from couples, so when it’s used by individual Carmelites, I’m stumped by its plurality. Maybe because I’m single and have few opportunities to use it myself. Regardless, my initial confusion quickly moved to pleasure; I probably grin a bit whenever one of the five Nadans uses the phrase.

Why? What’s the big deal? Lots of people use the phrase everyday.

Yes, lots of people use the phrase everyday. And I don’t think they recognize the inherent decisions they’ve made by using it. They have decided to release their exclusive grip on their friend or loved one. It’s a lot easier to share your T.V. than it is to share your friends, especially the good ones. And when you’re part of a community-authentic or not- it’s natural to want to keep something for yourself, to have ownership over something, to not have to share everything.  Moreover, identifying the other as “our friend,” not “my friend,” is a decision to be communal, and that’s no small deal. When you’ve decided to be communal- to be part of a community- you’ve decided to share it all…the blessings and the burdens of relationship.

This witness to community was demonstrated twice this weekend, from my view at least.

The loaded phrase- “our friends” -was put to the test the last few months here in Crestone by both Nadans and neighbors. Here’s my interpretation of the sequence of events associated with Eric’s father’s illness:

Summer 2012 – Neighbors to Nadans

You are our friends, and so we must help you. We have our own homes to clean, our own work to manage. But we share the responsibility of community, and thus, we will take on the burden so that you might be rightly blessed.

November 2012 – Nadans to Neighbors

You are our friends, and so we must give thanks for you. We could use our money and our time in more practical ways. And we are just returning from travels and preparing for others and could use a restful evening. But we share the responsibility of community, and thus, we will take on the burden so that you might be rightly blessed.

I also saw this community transaction, this sharing of responsibility for human relationship, in the fictitious life of Lars (in "Lars and the Real Girl.") After years of an isolated and stalled existence and months of delusional bliss grounded in anxious fear, Lars is liberated by a loving community who chooses to share the responsibility of one man’s health and happiness while sacrificing their own time, lifestyles, and reputation. The sister-in-law and her husband, the church ladies and the workmen, the doctor and the coworker- together insist that Lars and Bianca- his delusion- are “our friends” and assume the accompanying blessings and burdens of that shared friendship. I think Mary Richards had Lars in mind when she wrote: “Symptoms of growth may look like breakdown or derangement; the more we are allowed by the love of others and by self-understanding to live through our derangement into the new arrangement, the luckier we are.” (Centering in Pottery, Prayer, and the Person.) That community of support, friendship, and responsibility accompanied Lars out of delusion and into new life, and were themselves transformed along the way.

The assistance of one friend at Nada this summer would have been appreciated, but inadequate; and the presence of one friend at Saturday night’s feast would have been celebrated, but awkward. In a similar way, the joining of one person to Lars’ reality would have been kind, but incomplete. It was only by the grace of the whole community that Nada and Lars were able to thrive instead of breakdown.

Therefore, when you decide to add “our friends” into your verbal repertoire, it means that when tested, you will join with another to take responsibility for your community. And, in turn, they will join together to take responsibility for you. You don’t need to be part of a couple to use the phrase “our friends,” but you do need to be part of a community. Then, and only then, will you live your way out of the long loneliness.